I went to the fair yesterday and went on a few rides. Here is my objective analysis:

Exhibit A: Tilt-a-Whirl

Concept: You spin around in a circle basically at random (seriously, read the bit on chaos theory) while spinning around in an even bigger circle. Meanwhile gravity plasters you to the wall. It’s loads more fun than it sounds.
Verdict: This is my all time favorite ride. I go on it every year and it never gets old. So obviously it was my first stop this time around, before it was on to bigger and better things!
Grade: A+ !

Exhibit B: Star Trooper


Concept: You fly around in the air, first forward, and then backward. Or the other way around, depending on which side of the seat you’re sitting on. You also go up and down and stuff.
Verdict: Going forward is tons more fun than going backward. The Going Backward experience on this ride basically just consists of not being able to move, breathe, or talk, because you’re stuck to the seat. It was an okay ride I guess.
Grade: B

Exhibit C: Pharaoh’s Fury

Concept: Giant swinging ship that sticks you at a 90 degree angle at its zenith.
Verdict: I had a bad feeling about this one and initially I refused to try it, but then I was talked into it with various arguments like “It doesn’t look that bad”.

Big mistake.

Now, before I start on this one, I need to clarify that I am not afraid of heights. I’m that person in most other rides who twists around in the seat to stare at the ground, usually much to the chagrin of my ride partner when this causes us to bounce all over the place. But this is different. This ride is gravity hating you. Do you know what it feels like when gravity hates you? It’s an interesting feeling that can best be described as feeling like you are about two seconds away from floating out of your chair and over the safety bar and plummeting to your death below, but the boat thing swings the other way riiiiight before you do. If you want to experience this feeling for yourself, my advice to you is: DON’T. I spent the bulk of this ride with my eyes shut, praying to every potential deity I could think of for the whole thing to end.

I should note, though, that the guy behind me was completely smashed and sounded like he was having the best minute and a half of his entire life, so Beer Goggles may make this ride slightly more bearable. Your mileage may vary.

Grade: F for FREAKING TERRIFYING AND I AM NEVER RIDING THIS THING AGAIN.

Exhibit D: Spider

Concept: Tilt-a-Whirl, except in the air, basically.
Verdict: This ride works by lulling you into a false sense of security and then pouncing upon the unsuspecting victim that you become. It starts out tame enough, it’s a nice spinning ride and you think “Oh this is actually kind of relaxing”… and then you hear It. “It” is a comforting noise that sounds something like creeeeeeeeeak CACHUNK CACHUNK CACHUNK creeeeeeeek, and by comforting I mean terrifying. This noise is accompanied by whiplash inducing spins and both of these things combined quickly send you into WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE territory. Then, just as quick as it arrived, it’s over, and you’re back to thinking this is a nice relaxing ride.

Just beware the CACHUNK CACHUNK CACHUNK.

Grade: Pretty good overall, even if the ride itself is in dire need of some WD-40. B+

I also went on the Ferris Wheel and the Carousel. The Ferris Wheel involves standing in line for 45 minutes to get to a ride that lasts about 5 (4 of which are spent loading and unloading the cars), and the Carousel involves me complaining that the stirrups are set to a rather inconvenient length, because I’m a nerd like that.

Sadly that was all I had time to experience. People were trying to talk me into the Zipper, but, um, no.

I would not ride this for any less than $10,000. Just so we’re all clear.

10 Responses to “Pike vs. The Carnival Rides – aka Pike is a Wuss”
  1. So THAT’S where you were all day.

  2. whosmymain says:

    Um, I <3 the Zipper.

  3. 'zilla says:

    That Zipper thing is MADNESS! And the Tilt-a-Whirl style machines always make me sick in the stomach, so I try to avoid them.

    This one is my own favorite, though it just might be the big brother of that ship of yours:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PBadxWI8kYI
    It gives you the giddy feeling of OH GOOD LORD IM GOING TO PLUMMET HEADFIRST TO THAT FARAWAY GROUND AND BE SPLASHED ALL OVER THE PLACE. :D

  4. Capn John says:

    Awesome! That clip of Zipper is from the show/fair at my home town in Australia.

  5. Lereth says:

    Rode the zipper once. I screamed the whole time, and lost my voice for the next week. I give this one your grade of F.

  6. Cryptography says:

    If you like these ground based thrills, try Gliding.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3TN0J5FgcqI

    That clip shows acrobatics, but novices can often get a smooth (but still exciting) trial flight.

  7. Kelwina says:

    I went to a theme park with two friends and they wanted to go the boat, I almost got on, but was like ‘meh I’ve got a bad feeling about this’ and instead waited while they went on it…

    Well everything from my friend’s pockets fell out, the money was caught by people on the other side of the boat and we spent a half hour searching for some expensive lip balm which turned out to be UNDER the boat.

    That’s when we decided we were done with rides for the day.

  8. Jeff says:

    How right you were to refuse the Zipper. I screamed throughout that ride, mostly because I was convinced that the door was going to pop open (you spend a good amount of time leaning your entire weight upon it) and spill me into the wide blue yonder…

  9. Bamos says:

    No Gravitron? You gotta try that one!

  10. Superman606 says:

    I LOVE PHAROHS FURRY AND I DIDNT HAVE BEER LOL IM ONLY 9

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